The second day, has so far been going bene.
Went outside, ignored my hunger. Did my 40 minutes of excercises. I've been doing my excercises for about a month now, and I can feel the difference. 50 sit ups doesnt burn like it used to. Neither does 50 calf raises. As much as it makes me happy, it also makes me annoyed... now, I need to do more to get the same happy burn. And I get bored easily.
At supper, I ate anoter small salad w shrimp and half a glass of millk. Under 200 cals. About an hour afterwards, I saw the noodles that I had purposely avoided throughout supper sitting on the table. You've already had calories today, whats another 100 gonna do? I have a bite. And another. Then, the secondary part of mind realises the disaster in making, and throws three quarters of it in a container in the trash. (so people don't see I threw it away.) I then added vinegar to the container. To make sure I wouldn't pick it out of the trash and eat it??? Who does that? And then, I took one more bite, and threw the rest of the noodles into the vinegar-filled garbage container. Disaster avoided.
I'm so neurotic. My english still isn't the best so I hope I spelt that right. Nuerotic.
I was doing back hand springs in the grass today ( I used to do rythmic gymnastics in italy) and it hurt my wrists. Perhaps if I was lighter I could tumble and tumble like it is nothing. Thin and strong and flexible, a wisp. Gymnastics is so graceful. It's about mastering your body. Isn't that what we all want? To be the master of our body.
By the way, besides my family, society, italian culture, california culture, acting/modelling, I also blame rymthmic gymnastics for my disordered eating.
If you aren't thin, you are nothing. Coaches are assholes.
thanks to anyone following and/or commenting. it means lots.
buona notte...goodnight.
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I just read all of your blog and i thought, "oh my, this girl is me!" Seriously, we are so very much alike. I've had issues with eating since the 4th grade. I make lists of what i want to do throughout the day. I really would love to be a model/actress. I can't eat normally: i either binge or restrict. I just wish my mother would want me to lose weight; i'm jealous of that one difference.
ReplyDeleteYou write so well, too. I'm in love with your blog!
Wow, rhythmic gymnastics is so pretty, that is so cool you used to do that! Sorry for a-hole coaches, though. I take/teach dance, and have been for all my life, and I have had my share of similarly a-hole teachers. Right now I am at a wondeful studio with no body expectations, but I still have an ED, so whatever. I hope you have a good day!
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