To the Present

I tried to diet all the way through that summer. I lost maybe a pound or two, but I wasn't going all out. I weighed in at about 108 pound, at 5'5". Not fat by any stretch of the imagination.

Grade 10 came, and I was the new girl in California. It was really scary walking into those doors, knowing that there was no one, no one, that new my name. In the first week I made a couple of friends, but most of the girls already new each other.

My mother, who was still unrelentingly dragging me to auditions, was STILL telling me that I needed to drop pounds. She said that since I was already too short (like it was my fault), that I needed to make up for it by being skinny.

One day I snapped. I had gone to the beach that day, our house is near the water; only about a ten minute walk. I was unhappy with my body, and, after all, I had already lost weight before. So what was so hard about now?

I ate 800-1000 calories a day. For about 4 months, excerised around half an hour a day. But, it worked. I was europhic everytime I looked at the scale and saw the numbers drop.

By that time, I had a reasonable friend group. They weren't the 'popular' ones, but rather the ones just outside that circle. I didn't like these friends though. They all started getting into drugs, which I wasnt interested in. They convinced me to do E once, but thank god I haven't done any drugs since. The majority of the girls talked about having sex all the time. Another time I was invited to one of their parties and I got so drunk that I puked... and I hated the lack of control. I was always the one who always thought of consequences and maturity and a bit of sophistication that these girls and guys didn't bring. California high school was supposed to have a bit of glamour and fashion and it wasn't what I dreamed of.

I tried to start making other friends. It wasn't because they more 'popular', even though they were, it was because they were clean, nicer, had a sense of morality. And yes, they were more fashionable (which I liked, coming from Italy), and a bit of glamour. Their 'group' wasn't the bleach blonde bitches that would've been featured on Laguna Beach or something like it, but some of them were friends with them.

I felt like I was in a movie and was that stupid girl who purposely plotted to be friends with certain people. I didn't like it, but I didn't know what else to do. I was the new girl, and instead of being brown-blonde, blue eyed and tanned, I was very italian looking. Black hair and hazel eyes and olive skinned. I tried to work that to my advantage.

I was starting to scare myseld weight wise. It was christmas, 4 months in, and I weighed 97 pounds. I thought I was getting too thin. I was already happy with my body...what more could I want. My mother was super happy with me too, and I started getting parts in short films and such.

The problem was, the only two types of eating I was good at was either binging, or restricting. I couldn't eat normally. I was too scared to restrict any more, and during christmas time... I binged. Pretty much the entire time. When I got back from christmas I was only up 3 lbs, but I couldn't stop.

I ate on the upside of normal until the end of the year. 112 pounds. was my highest.

The only good things that happened that year were that I did start to make friends with the girls that I wanted. Tentetively. I would sit with them in all my classes... but then be too afraid to sit with them at lunch. Then, at the end of the year I got my big break. I was invited to a party of theirs. And, I believe I did well. One of the girls there was drunk and was like 'I want to be friends, i hope you sit with us next year...'

Very encouraging. The only problem is that it is half way through summer and I haven't heard from any of them.

So, next year, grade 11. Is going to be MY year. The year I make it all happen. Boys, friends, california, skinny, acting, career. I'm going to figure it all out. I'm sick of being the pretty italian new girl in the corner.

But more then that, this blog is about my weight issues. I've taken it up to the present. I've aten normally for the past month, and I want ana back. I weigh 110lbs, 5'5". (No, I haven't grown despite my mothers best attempts.)

I start today.